one word: firstdatebathroomanal
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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