ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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