the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
