Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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