im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
