...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I am one with the molecules
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
