he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
