when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
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