smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
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