Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
