If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Randomize
