I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
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