Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
