Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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