We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Randomize
