you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
