Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
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You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
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Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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