You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
