Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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