Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
