It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
