She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
