I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
