Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
