Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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