just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
