the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
