I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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