Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
