Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
