I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
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