Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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