I wish I could punch you in the face.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Your penis caused this!
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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