to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
