Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Drunk is a universal language darling
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
