WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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