And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
