how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
