so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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