i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
