today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
