the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
