Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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