the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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