You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
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I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
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i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
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