How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
