I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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