So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
