I have demons in me.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Randomize
