Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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