I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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