he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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